Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
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