I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
