discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
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You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
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Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
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