Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
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