Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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