I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
farters have to be the big spoon...
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
