I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
