Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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