I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
