i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
