Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
How does one acquire holy water?
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Randomize
