someone threw a dead crab at me
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
The uberlube is also flammable
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
