dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Randomize
