What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
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