As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
