why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
