It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
