planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
