you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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