So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Randomize
