tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
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