The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
