Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
