Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
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