my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Randomize
