how hairy? two words: wookie tits
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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