I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
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