this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
