Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
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