And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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