She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
