Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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