We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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