Your favorite bartender is back from prision
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
