I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
