she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
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He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
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I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
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