I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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