My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
