I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
