i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Randomize