Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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