Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
