We named our party play list daddy issues
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
