Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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