i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
