cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I just found a bag of teeth...
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
