Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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