ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Randomize
