sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
