dude i'm inner monologue high
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
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I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
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Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
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