your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
