yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
Randomize
