So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
