You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
